Losing Mister Newton
by buttcracksanta
Summary: An idiotic Mike enjoys to stalk Bella on a daily basis. Restraining orders are too much hassle. Bella's exasperated search for something to put him off stops after she re-meets a boy who's been at boarding school for a while... Edward. Nervous laugh time.
1. Spontaneous Siblings

**I'm taking a break from Emmett and his obsession with the name Benjamin, and inanimate objects chatting with him about murdering using pencils. So this is a new story!!**

***Gasp***

**I know, right?**

**I'm sort of writing this as I go along... eek. **

**I'm thinking BPOV the whole way. What do you think?**

**Chapter One- Guinea Pigs and Brothers**

**BPOV**

I got a couple more dirty looks as I stuck the pencil in the electric sharpener for the eighth time that lesson.

"Isabella Swan, you can either stop that within the next five seconds or you will be seeing me after school for an hour. It's your choice," Mrs Cope did not look up from her desk as she scrutinized me.

"_Yeah_, Bella," scolded Eric, who was sitting next to me, sniggering. I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Your hair looks incredibly good today, Eric. Do you use cow pats or doggy doody?"

"Isabella!"

"Yes, Mrs Cope!" I tried to ignore the longing I had to salute her. Eric narrowed his eyes at me. I blew him a kiss, he snorted, and I looked down at my art book. We were looking at Andy Warhol's pop art, and so far, it wasn't very satisfying. After successfully snapping the lead on three more pencils, the bell rang for the end of the day. I blew Eric another kiss, and after he narrowed his eyes at me some more, I left the art room, waving.

Eric caught up with me outside.

"You blowing me kisses is just plain gross, Bella. I would appreciate it if you refrained from doing so, because people might think we're going out," he muttered.

I laughed, and carried on walking towards the parking lot, "Don't be so immature, Mr Poopypants. Besides, Jessica isn't single. She's seeing someone," I whispered the last part. Eric's eyes began to water. I patted him on the shoulder, "There, there, it's only Mike."

"High five," said Rosalie, my almost best friend, as she passed by. I looked at her in confusion, "Biology Detention. Like the t-shirt."

I smiled, "Thanks Rose. Have fun!"

I was happy with my new t-shirt. It said 'FREE HIGH FIVES' in huge orange letters on the front.

Eric looked up, "Where is Mike?" I winced and pointed to Jessica's car where Mike and Jessica stood sucking each others' faces off.

"Ah! A nose on the floor!" I shouted to myself in my head. I put on a serious face again.

I squeezed his shoulder once more, "I'm sorry for your loss," and walked off towards my truck where my best friend, Alice, was waiting for me.

"What was that?" Alice giggled.

"Yorkie doesn't like me blowing him kisses," I shrugged.

"We can go on ahead. Rose has detention," Alice laughed.

I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Bella, baby," droned a familiar, sinusy voice. I frowned.

"Mike, you just snogged Jessica, my dear. I'm not _that_ blind," I turned around to face him.

He licked his sparkling, lip glossy lips, and said in what was obviously supposed to be a seductive voice, "Bell-ahhh, I imagined Jess to be you."

I was hoping my gag reflexes wouldn't come into play.

"I've got a joke for you, babe. What do snowmen sing at birthday parties?" he jiggled his eyebrows about, "Freeze a jolly good fellow, freeze a jolly good fellow!" Mike burst into hysterics.

Alice and I just stared at him.

I could have sworn a tumbleweed passed by.

"Number one, the joke was bloody terrible. And number two, it's the middle of September, Mike," I winced, almost in pain. Mike sobered up pretty soon.

"Why don't you just come round my house tonight, eh? We can get... friendly," Mike suggested. He said the last part kind of like 'friend-lehhh'.

"Why don't you just go right on and piss off, Mike?" Alice interrupted, her face devil-like. Mike almost cowered in fear, but he touched my arm on the way back to the car.

"I'll pick you up at seven," he licked his lips again, "Mmm. Cherry!" he muttered as he got into his Suburban.

"Jesus, Alice! You couldn't have kicked him, or punched him, or even flicked his head? I'm not going to lose my virginity to that thick man-whore!" I ranted.

She smiled, "You have it easy, Bella. At least someone _wants_ you to do it with them." She began sobbing again, "I'm going to die alone, Bella, alone! I'm going to become old and saggy and take up sewing and, oh good God. I'm going to become a cat lady. I'll be the weird old lady down the road with the three hundred and eighty-four cats. Oh God, Bella! I hate cats! Don't make me live with cats! Cats hate me! I'm going to be murdered by all my cats!" Alice continued sobbing into my arm as I drove her home.

"Alice, you have to get off of my arm, deary. It's cold," I tried to shake her off.

"Come in with me, Bella. Please, just sit next to me and wait for Esme or Rosalie to get in," I nodded. She pulled out a shaking hand with her front door key in it, and unlocked the door.

"It's ok Alice. We can watch Friends and Scrubs, and I could cancel going over to Mike's house, eh?" I led Alice into the front room, but she stopped me before I sat on the expensive white sofa.

"No, Bella. You're going to go over to Mike's house tonight, even if he is the most despicable flirter, and you don't need to worry about me. Just because I can't have something doesn't mean you can't have it. Or lose it. Or whatever," she sighed.

"_ALICE CULLEN!?!?! _I am _NOT _going to do ANYTHING with Mike! Don't you even suggest such a vulgar thing, you, you, you-" I stopped short, "Who's that?" I pointed toward a blonde boy who was leaning on the silver staircase with a white towel wrapped around his waist. He must have been about our age, and he was smirking terrifically. I looked behind me.

Alice had saliva on her chin.

"Hi, I'm Jasper," grinned the boy, looking at Alice. Her face melted into a mellow smile. She just looked at him. Several seconds passed with only a staring competition between the two of them.

"Okay, well I'm Bella," I introduced myself, raising my eyebrows.

"Yeah. Hi, Bella," breathed Jasper, still locking eyes with Alice.

"Hello Bella," muttered Alice, her lips barely moving.

"This is Alice," I said every word slowly, gesturing towards Alice. She nodded, still looking at Jasper.

"Yeah. Yes. Alice. I'm Alice," she smiled.

"Alice is a pretty name," grinned Jasper. I rolled my eyes.

"Jasper was the name of my grandmother's guinea pig," Alice bit her lip. Jasper grinned even more.

"Oh, for God's-" I was interrupted by the front door opening. Esme walked in with two shopping bags and laughed at the sight she saw before her.

"Hello childers!" greeted Esme, "So you met Jasper then?" She started putting the shopping away.

Alice nodded, "Sure. He was just telling me about himself."

"What?" I asked incredulously.

"We got our names out of the way, and then I found out," her eyebrows furrowed, "he doesn't have a guinea pig."

"Yeah. I don't have a guinea pig," Jasper donated kindly to the conversation that was definitely needing the funds.

"Righty, then," sighed Esme, "So, I'm going to go pick up Edward from the station now. Anyone want to come?"

"Edward?" I asked. Who?

"Can I come, Esme?" Jasper asked. Esme nodded and Jasper ran up the stairs to get dressed.

"I'm coming if he's coming!" gasped Alice.

"Who's Edward?" I asked once more.

"My brother," said Alice slowly.

"No," I shook my head, "Your brother is called Emmett," something was seriously wrong with Alice today.

"My twin. Who's not identical at all," Alice stated, slowly again. I felt a little bit stupid.

"Have I met him?" I asked dubiously.

Alice bit her tongue, and nodded.

"Bella, sweetie, Edward's been at a boarding school in Seattle for the past six years," Esme grinned.

"So, I met him six years ago then?" Alice and Esme nodded.

"He hasn't, um, he hasn't been coming home much," Esme gulped, "The odd occasion, Christmas, birthdays," she nodded and blinked rapidly.

"Well it's nice he's coming to stay for a while."

"Don't forget me!" laughed Jasper, who was now dressed in jeans and a pale blue shirt.

"Yeah, where does this random person come into it?" I asked Esme.

She laughed, and explained, "Jasper is Edward's dorm buddy, and I'm surprised Rose hasn't introduced you, but he's her brother."

Everyone was spontaneously coming up that they had brothers.

"Yeah, I was there when the bedroom exploded!" gloated Jasper. Alice and I burst into laughter, but Esme's face was extremely serious.

"Edward's the evil twin!" laughed Alice, Jasper and I smiled, "His phone number is six six six!" she giggled.

Esme walked out of the front door, looking at her feet. Jasper smiled slightly, and followed her. Alice looked dumbfounded as she followed Jasper.

I looked around me. I was tempted to run upstairs and bounce on the beds, but I wanted to make myself look as ugly as possible before Mike came to pick me up.

Climbing back into my truck, vague memories of Edward flashed back. Playing in the sand down at La Push, piggyback racing in the Cullen's back garden, and I grinned at the last one: Edward getting told off for touching Charlie's gun.

A couple of hours later, when the doorbell rang, I was wearing a disgusting maroon jumper and some black sport shorts. I had highly commended myself on the ugliness factor this fine day.

"Dude," said Mike, when I opened the door, "Your legs look awesome." I groaned internally at him. He was slightly perverted.

"Hi Mike," I greeted him.

"You ready to take your clothes off, baby?" I sighed. I was wrong. He was very perverted.

"Tactful."

"What?"

"I LIKE YOUR SHOES," I said loudly. He smiled.

"I like _your_ shoes," he whispered. I wasn't entirely sure what that meant, and I wasn't entirely sure that I wanted to know. I rolled my eyes. Think fast, Bella. Fast.

"I'm really sorry but I can't come tonight," I rushed.

"Why?" Mike looked upset.

I panicked, "The Titanic escaped to Sweden," And I shut the door in Mike's face. A few seconds later, I heard the sound of the gravel on the drive crunching under his feet as he walked away, and him muttering quietly, "It escaped?"

Mike was so stupid it wasn't even funny anymore.

**Yeeee!**

**Sorry there's no Edward yet! I think I've thought out everything in my head, and it's going to work out that he comes in next chapter.**

**Please review me! On my last story my friend left seven anonymous reviews with seven different names(the shame)!**

**It is additionally shameful because there only**_** were**_** seven reviews on it.**

***Sigh***

**So, please review, even if you leave a one lettered response, like;**

_**Name: Jimothy Bobsknickle**_

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**BS xx**


	2. Evening, Mr Syrupy

**Chappie doodle TWO!**

**I was QUICK**

**Le gasp!**

**Thank you peoples so so so so so so so so much for reviewing.**

**It made me smile so much my brother asked me if I was on Prozac. :L**

**Because I forgot last time(and this applies to the entire of my story)...**

**Disclaimer: Yeah. I own nothing. *whispers* Nothing! Except the plot and a tv which shows strange programmes about someone called Emu (who is in fact an emu called Emu, which I think is cruel because you wouldn't name a child Child).**

**So here's chapter two!**

**Chapter Two-**

**BPOV**

"_I'm really sorry but I can't come tonight," I rushed._

"_Why?" Mike looked upset._

_I panicked, "The Titanic escaped to Sweden," And I shut the door in Mike's face. A few seconds later, I heard the sound of the gravel on the drive crunching under his feet as he walked away, and him muttering quietly, "It escaped?"_

_Mike was so stupid it wasn't even funny anymore._

I sighed after Mike drove off, and reflected on today being Thursday. I always hated Thursdays.

Rosalie had kicked Tyler in his private areas so hard he needed to go to hospital(and get some things 'sorted out'). I had won a staring competition with Ben Cheney at lunch break. I accidentally threw a table tennis bat at Coach Clapp. I had gotten quite a lot of high fives from teachers and students. I had found out Mike wore cherry flavoured lipgloss, and that he would probably believe me if I told him I was joining an origami club.

My phone started ringing, abruptly putting an end to my slightly odd daydreams. As soon as I picked it up, Alice's voice babbled at me.

"Hi, Al-"

"Oh! You're back! Or is he late? Is he late? I could call him, you know. I hope you didn't do anything with Mike! Your babies would be so ugly, though of course you would love them. I could be the godmother! You could be my babies' godmother! Me and Jasper are going to have such pretty babies! Oh my God! Jasper said he liked my hair! Wow! And Edward's got a huge suitcase. Why don't you come over and meet him? I mean, him and Jasper are starting school tomorrow, so they'll want to meet you and get to know you in better detail, and Rose is over too, and Emmett. Dad's home so you could invite Charlie over, too. We're having a posh meal because Edward and Jasper are here, so dress up smart, and tell Charlie to as well."

I smiled blissfully as there was silence.

"I made up an excuse to get out of going over to Mike's, and sure, I'll come over. Charlie's still at work, so I can leave him a note asking him to come over when he's eaten," I answered as quickly as possible, "Oh, Alice?"

"Yeah?"

"My dear, have you discussed with Jasper about baby names, yet?"

She giggled, "No."

"Do you need me to remind you about the birds and the bees?"

"N-no!"

I ignored her, "Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they-"

"Shut up. I'll see you in twenty minutes," and then she hung up. As soon as she left, I set about getting changed. It seemed almost obvious that Alice would moan and moan to me about dying a virgin, then meet a shocking gorgeous boy who was most likely to succumb to her every want. And I sure as hell was not going to do it with Mike, so who exactly w_as_ I meant to do it with? Of course, this dilemma was not at the front of my mind, and I wasn't terribly interested in that part of growing up.

'True love' was not something I genuinely believed; Charlie and Renee had divorced whilst I was in nappies, and Renee wasn't one to settle down. Charlie was good for a while to rest on, but he was a rock, Renee had to move on soon. It disturbed me slightly that Charlie had attempted on many occasions to forget my mother, yet dreadfully failing.

When I started Forks High School, Mike Newton had a minor crush on me. I had my friends, so I felt bad when he was all on his own. Diddums. I tried to be friendly with him. Biggest. Mistake. Of. My. Life. A couple of years on, and he has the world's worst photoshopped image on the inside of his locker, which is of 'me' and him kissing. It was framed and mounted.

Joy.

It was me who tried to set fire to his locker last year.

It was a mystery to why he insisted on asking me out, for he had most of Forks High's girls lining up. I wanted him either to stop stalking me, or a restraining order. It was possible. Charlie was my dad.

When I pulled up to the Cullens' house fifteen minutes later, I was wearing a red cardigan and a blue strapless dress with red buttons down the front that Rosalie insisted I buy one day when Alice was ill.

"_It'll cheer her up, Bella. You know it!"_ she had said. Alice recovered from her illness that afternoon.

I supposed I couldn't judge, due to me actually quite liking this dress. I was also wearing a pair of low-ish black and blue stripey wedges that I bought. I had only bought them because when I tried the five inch high heels I actually fell over in the shoe shop, and the desperate voice inside my head told me to avoid that pain at all costs.

"Bella!" shouted Alice from the front door. She was wearing a huge grey shirt and a green belt.

"Tidy!" I shouted back. She looked at me, confused.

As I walked up to her she said, "You either said 'tidy' or you have a cold and just called me tiny."

I patted her head, "I would never call you tiny, Alice. You're macho," she nodded and let me in the house. Alice skipped ahead.

Leaning one of the stair banisters was, once more, Jasper. I was beginning to wonder if he ever moved from that place. Maybe he had pritt-sticked himself to it. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a white shirt that was untucked. He waved at me before returning to chatting (up) with Alice. Esme was in the kitchen wearing a red dress that cut just below the knee.

"Good evening, Bella," she greeted me.

"Hello," I grinned. Standing behind Esme was Carlisle. He wore a pale blue t-shirt, tucked into a pair of scrubs. It didn't appear he had gotten changed from work. He grinned at me.

"How have you been Bella?"

"Great, Doctor Cullen. How have you been?" I replied politely. He snickered.

"Don't call me that, it makes me feel old. Call me Charlizzle! It helps my street cred," he nodded, "and I spoke to you on Monday!"

"Right, Charlizzle!" I gave him thumbs up. Rosalie was standing facing the sofa, wearing a pencil skirt and a bright pink shirt, of course, looking amazing. She stood next to Emmett who was wearing a dark blue polo t-shirt and a pair of black trousers. Emmett noticed me first.

"Belly!" he shouted from across the room. He waved. I waved back, noticing for the first time a bronze-brown head of hair sitting on the sofa, facing Rosalie, who was snorting and drinking red wine too. It was one of those moments where seconds feel like minutes, and there is a sunny glow from behind the person you are seeing, there are twinkling noises and corny romantic violins playing loudly in your head. It was one of those moments because this beautiful head turned around.

This boy had the sharpest emerald green eyes, and his tousled bronzy hair was gelled into a casual disarray, slightly bouffant-like. His high cheekbones made him somewhere between a God and one of those models you see promoting model companies. He was looking at me crookedly, his head cocked to the side, an astonished expression .

I didn't realise my jaw had dropped until I saw my reflection in the microwave.

"Hey Bella," he said. I wanted to giggle hysterically because he knew my name, but the greater part of me focused on his voice. It sounded so smooth, yet crisp. Like syrup.

Not actual syrup because syrup doesn't have any vocal chords, but if syrup were to say, "Hi, I'm syrupy goodness!" then that would be what it would sound like (unless it was gurgling).

"Syrupy," someone said. The boy cocked an eyebrow at me.

"Bella?" asked Esme.

Oh. Crap.

I was the one who said 'syrupy'.

The only thing i could think to do was to deny it straight away.

"I didn't say anything," I stated quickly.

"Yes you did," said Carlisle.

"No!"

"Um, yeah you did," Alice stared at me.

"No. No I didn't," I looked around to see everyone nodding their heads at me, "Did I?"

"My name's Edward. Uh... not syrupy," he said it almost as if asking a question. Ahhh. So _this_ was Edward. He looked familiar.

I quickly backtracked to this syrupy business, "Of course your name is Edward. You know your own name, right? I mean Edward's a very nice name, but it's not Syrupy. That would be stupid. Nobody would call their child syrupy," I agreed.

Jasper coughed.

I looked at Carlisle. He was frowning.

"What?" he asked, almost choking.

"Oh. If your middle name is Syrupy, then I am so sorry. I mean, it would be bad if it was! Well, only if you didn't like it then otherwise it's definitely fine..." I trailed off. Great, Bella. Just keep digging yourself a hole.

Alice bit her lip.

"No, no. My middle name's not Syrupy," Carlisle said. Edward stood up, snickering. He was much taller than Alice, almost as tall as Emmett, who was huge.

I felt my cheeks begin to heat up.

"Bella, you're red," pointed out Rosalie. I nodded.

Thank God I was only red. I had expected to be at least purple by now.

**Ohh dear. Embarrassing much?**

**So Bellywoo's been 'dazzled' by Edward. **

**I got all of 6 reviews! (Kinda bad huh?) So I have come up with an evil plan!!!:**

**I need to have a total of at least 20 reviews before I add the next chapter!**

**You see, it IS evil.**

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	3. Santa isn't real Sorry

**Chappie Doodle Tres**

**Hmph. You lucky lampshades!**

**I almost didn't update due to my being on only 17 reviews.**

**How tarded.**

**So tell your friends and your family and your uncles and your auntie Valeries and the lady who sits next to you on the bus sometimes and tries to talk to you about the price of curtains nowadays that they need to REVIEW!**

**I love those goddamn things.**

**The roast chicken in this chapter is dedicated to my lovely reviewer, Devil's Master, who absolutely detests the stuff.**

**Chapter Three- Awkward? No..**

**BPOV**

"_No, no. My middle name's not Syrupy," Carlisle said. Edward stood up, snickering. He was much taller than Alice, almost as tall as Emmett, who was huge._

_I felt my cheeks begin to heat up._

"_Bella, you're red," pointed out Rosalie. I nodded._

_Thank God I was only red. I had expected to be at least purple by now._

"Take two," smiled Edward. I sighed. "Hey Bella!" he exclaimed in an overly dramatic voice.

"H-hey Edward," I muttered. He waved at me. I cocked an eyebrow and waved back. He began clicking his tongue again.

"Uh, hi Bella," rushed Rose. I nodded.

"Rosie," I said, blinking back tears.

I was incredibly frustrated with myself. All of my witty comebacks and sarcastic comments had gone out of the window. I was faced with a beautiful man and he probably thought I was spasticated. This was very, very bad.

There was silence for a good twenty seconds with only Edward clicking his tongue.

Carlisle chose to break it, "Well, I'm going to go get changed."

"Cool," I began twiddling my thumbs.

"It really is," Alice nodded. Jasper cleared his throat.

"For sure," said Rosalie, suddenly taking great interest in her pinky finger.

"You go have fun Dad," Emmett waved Carlisle off.

"Be quick, sweetie. I've almost finished cooking the **roast chicken**," sang Esme. She appeared to be the most comfortable out of all of us, most likely completely oblivious to the fact that we could hear each other blinking, and Edward clicking his tongue.

I slowly dawdled up to where Emmett, Rosalie and Edward were. "Newton still stalking you?" Emmett asked.

"I'm considering a restraining order," I told him seriously.

"It's so funny though!" burst Alice, "You should have seen her face this afternoon when he told this terrible Christmas joke!"

"But, it's the middle of September..." Jasper said.

"That's exactly what I said!" I pointed at him. Alice skipped over to my side, Jasper following obediently.

"If you get a restraining order on him we'll never have this fun again," Rose sighed.

"This girl at my old school got a restraining order on the janitor," smiled Jasper. Edward laughed, nodding. It sounded like bells and Christmas, and hot, runny, syrupy sauce.

"Syrupy," I murmured. My eyes widened in shock. I **had** to stop doing that.

"Anyway," coughed Alice, "Oh, Eddiekins! I've missed you so much," cooed Alice. She charged into Edward's chest, and gave him a hug. Emmett sighed beside me.

"Girl power! Booyah!" he screamed, punching his fist into the air. He enveloped Edward and Alice in his huge arms.

Rosalie looked at Jasper and he shrugged, "Go on then," he cringed as Rosalie went in for a cuddle too.

"Mi hermano grande," she giggled.

"Come here for a hug!" I shouted to the air next to me. I hugged myself, swinging from side to side. "Oh wait. I have no-one," I said sarcastically.

"Come join our group hug," squealed Alice. Emmett and Alice's arms parted to make room for me. I blushed when Edward grinned the most beautiful uneven grin. As Emmett ruffled my hair and I put my arms around Emmett and Alice, I touched someone's hand.

"Jesus Christ!" I muttered as I leapt backwards.

"Agghhhhhhhh," exclaimed Edward, as he too did so.

"What?" asked a dumbfounded Emmett. I rubbed my hand together.

"Jesus, Emmett. You gave me an electric shock when you ruffled my hair," I explained. As soon as I had touched the hand- obviously Edward's- we had both gotten a nice static shock.

"Blehhh," said Edward, frowning at his hands. He was obviously very literate.

"Okie dokie lemon squokie," Esme screeched from the kitchen.

"I guess that's our cue," Alice grinned, grabbing my elbow and leading me to the mahogany table, as the others followed behind. I walked into the dining room and Esme carried a platter of roast chicken through.

"Man food!" sang Emmett, with a huge smile on his face.

"What?" gasped Rosalie, "Emmett, baby, you're hardly a man."

Edward and Jasper howled with laughter.

"Dude, you just got owned!" laughed Jasper.

"Shut up. I am a man," Emmett looked around at us, "I have man- like qualities."

"Girl power!" imitated Edward.

"It was a serious topic," moaned Emmett. The doorbell rang, and I could hear Carlisle greeting Charlie.

"Evening children," smiled Charlie as he walked into the dining room. Alice bounded up and hugged him, "Allywallywoo!"

"Good evening Charliekins!" Alice greeted him. They had become friends the day at nursery when Alice had told him that wearing green made him look fat. Since then, Alice has been giving Charlie fashion advice frequently.

Some people ask if my father is gay.

"Hello, Mr Swan," waved Edward, who had somehow managed to get Emmett seated on his lap.

"Hello, Master Cullen," Charlie held out a hand, "What's it been? Six years?"

Edward gulped as they shook hands, nodding, "Um, yeah. Boarding school was great, but I missed everyone... and stuff."

Jasper looked guiltily at his shoes.

"Oh, and this is Jasper Hale," Alice's ears perked up, "He was my roommate, but he's come back here to live with his aunt and uncle and cousin," after a while I wasn't listening to Edward's words- just his voice. Mmm... syru-

"Bella?" Rosalie clicked her fingers in my face.

"Quick fire round! What's an endoplasmic reticulum?" Carlisle asked the people behind me. They were moving to sit down at the table, so I joined them.

"Me!" shouted Edward.

"A donkey ride," muttered Emmett as he bit into a Yorkshire pudding.

"Stop Emmett!" Esme slapped his hands, "We have to say grace first."

What?

"But we never say grace, Mum," stated Emmett.

"Yes we do," she lied, obviously trying to make herself look good in front of Jasper, "Now who would like to say grace?" she looked around the table and I raised my finger. She nodded, "Bella."

I put my hands together and shut my eyes, "Everyone ready?" I asked.

"Yep."

"Sure thing."

"Yes."

There was a tongue clicking noise from Edward.

"We are."

"Of course."

"Mhmmm."

"Go, bitch! Go!" screamed Emmett. I kept my eyes closed.

"Grace," I said, opening them again. Emmett already had three roast potatoes and a Yorkshire pudding in his mouth.

"Now, now. No-one likes a fat friend," Esme scolded.

Emmett blushed.

"Hey, Bella. Can you pass me the carrots please?" Edward asked me.

I blushed.

"What? What's the matter with you girl?" Rosalie boomed.

I frowned, "Here are your carrots, Edward." I sounded like a proper little schoolgirl.

He reached over, "Thanks," I smiled angelically, perhaps fluttering my eyelashes a little too much.

Crap. He might think I was retarded.

***

As soon as we finished eating, our discussion on antidisestablishmentarianism faded into a short, awkward discussion about climate change.

"God is crying," Emmett stated, reasonably.

"You made him cry," Rose told him.

"You should buy him some more Kleenex mansize. He likes the little boxes," I added. Edward smirked.

"He builds castles with them," he nodded. I grinned, glad he was playing along.

"And you know the deal with Santa Claus, right?" I checked. Emmett sighed.

"Bells, we got to get home, homie," Charlie put on his gangster voice.

"This isn't the eighteenth century, Dad. And I don't think anyone says that anymore," I shook my head, "But sure."

Alice reached her arms up towards me, "Bye Bella."

"Bye, macho man," I cooed as I hugged her.

"You know it."

"Bye Bells," smiled Rose. As we hugged, Emmett and Jasper mussed my hair.

"Goodnight, Bella," Edward said in a much civilised voice, his green eyes contentedly gazed into my own.

"Goodnight, Edward," I smiled. He held out a hand and I shook it, electricity pulsing through my veins. It felt like the electric shock all over again.

"Nighty- nighty," waved Esme, "Charlie, here's some chicken," she handed my father who was 'down with the kids' an ice cream tub which obviously had chicken leftovers in it.

Carlisle waved us off, but as I crossed the threshold to leave the house-

"Bella?" it was Emmett. I faced him, and saw he had a worried expression on his face.

"Yes?"

"When you say 'the deal with Santa Claus', you mean...?" he asked, dubiously.

"That he's not real," I finished.

His eyes widened and his lower lip wobbled.

The door was shut by a giggling Carlisle.

"Daddy!" I squealed, grabbing Charlie's hand, and waving it from side to side.

"My little girl!" he imitated me. I hadn't particularly spent time with Charlie recently. He had been promoted to chief of police in dainty little Forks last week, and had toasted every day since.

"On the way back I'm going to stop at the Newton's corner shop to pick up some milk. There was a spillage and I cried, but anyway, would you like me to pick up anything for you?" I blurted out to Charlie as he got into his cruiser and I climbed into my truck.

"Um, maybe some Smarties," he licked his lips, "Yes, please."

"Yep," I smiled at him and blew him a kiss as I drove out of the Cullen's driveway and to the opposite direction of my home.

Tonight had been productive.

If you wanted to be extremely optimistic.

Well, I had completed phase one of 'Operation Stalk Edward'. I knew that he played the piano and the guitar, and had been doing so since he was nine years old (I gave up the violin when I was twelve after I blinded my teacher by poking the bow in his eye). I knew he could speak Spanish a little less than fluently (as could I... vaguely... ish). I knew that he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up, and then I knew that Jasper wanted to be a psychiatrist. I knew that Jasper loved to cook. I knew that Jasper used to live in Forks too. I knew that he moved to Seattle when Edward did. I knew that he used to make little girls cry when he was four with the company of Emmett.

I knew probably more about Jasper than Edward.

Jasper this.

Jasper that.

Jasper's aunt is great at peeling potatoes.

Jasper's cousin plays the flute.

Jasper bleh.

Of course, I did not have a real problem with Jasper. I was just remotely concerned that when I found out everything about Edward, there would not be enough brain size left to save it.

**Wooooow!**

**So... due to me not getting many reviews with embarrassing moments (*angry faces*) I'm not going to tell you any.**

***Awkward silence***

**What's an endoplasmic reticulum? I KNOW!**

**Yub. So I need reviews. Please please please please perrrrleeeease.**

**They make my day. My week. My month. My year. MY LIFE.**

**So please please please just click the innocent little button down there and tell me your favourite parts, worst parts, and any suggestions. Anything mean you want to say, anything, anything, anything.. talk about pencil sharpeners, fridges, crabs... ANYTHING.**

**Perdy please.**

**.......................................................................................................................do it.....click....you know you want to.....talk to me about fridges....fridges!......pleaaase.....................................**


	4. French Flirting

'**How' says Mr. Red Indian Squaw**

**Yeeeee!**

**Thank you little turkies for all your nice cute little reviews.**

**My song for this chapter (probably not related but I recommend it) Chase & Status- End Credits.**

**To clear some things up.. ages.**

**Bella is 17... and a halfish**

**Edward & Alice are 17... almost 18**

**Rosalie & Jasper are 18**

**And Emmett is about 18 and a half.. maybies a bit more than that... to throw in about 10/11 months in-between Edward and Alice, and Emmett.**

**Feel free to ask any other questions..**

**:)**

**Chapter 4- French Flirting**

**BPOV**

_I knew probably more about Jasper than Edward._

_Jasper this._

_Jasper that._

_Jasper's aunt is great at peeling potatoes._

_Jasper's cousin plays the flute._

_Jasper bleh._

_Of course, I did not have a real problem with Jasper. I was just remotely concerned that when I found out everything about Edward, there would not be enough brain size left to save it._

When the bell dinged as I walked into the Newton's all night corner shop I saw I was the only one there. "Hey Bella baby."

Nope. Don't speak too soon.

Mike was manning the desk wearing a pair of sunglasses and only a pair of jeans. His moobs looked especially large today. He must be waking up every morning and saying, "I must increase my bust. I must increase my bust. I must increase my bust."

"Evening, Newton," I greeted him as I stared at the milk in the fridges

"So, guess what?" he said in a sinusy voice which probably meant he was attempting at being seductive.

"You did some Googling on the Titanic?"

"Yeah! It didn't go to Sweden," Mike sounded very pleased with himself. I picked up two tubes of Smarties as well and headed to the counter.

"That'll be four dollars please," Mike smiled. I tried not to look at him.

"M'kay," I put it on the desk.

The shop clinged and beeped as he put it into the till.

"How about you come over to mine this-"

"NO!" I screamed, throwing a packet of Smarties on the floor. It burst open and Mike's shop had multicoloured floors now.

He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Baby?"

"I am NOT your baby!" I screamed, and with what I hoped was a remotely intimidating expression, I unscrewed the lid of the milk and peeled off the foil wrapper on the top of the bottle, "You understand that Mike?" I shrieked, slowly pouring the milk onto the floor.

"Woah, woah. Let's not be irrational here. Love makes us irrational, but let's try to keep it under control!" he insisted, waving his hands at me.

"I don't love you!" I screeched, emptying the rest of the milk onto the floor.

"What? Why?" he asked, gobsmacked, as if I had never told him this before.

"Because... because," I didn't want to say I was a lesbian, because it had been overused. Neither did I want to say that I was joining a nunnery because nuns have always freaked me out, "I have a boyfriend!" I smiled evilly. This would work.

"Haff hawwnk pfffffft!" said Mike.

He was laughing.

"He's called Edward," I frantically thought of a way to make Mike believe me.

He coughed, disguising a laugh.

"Maybe you should get some cough sweets," I suggested bitterly, "and I don't like milk anymore.'

I noticed the milk had gotten slightly on my shoe, so I stamped a little too hard in the white puddle at my feet. Milk splatted Mike in the face.

He sniffed, and I picked up another packet of Smarties to replace the old ones.

"If you love me then you'll let me have them for free," I smiled.

"Sixty cents," he held out his hand and after I paid I stormed out of the shop, kicking a few Smarties under displays and counters. They would be hard to get out. How cruel of me. Mwhahahahaa.

Sigh.

"I love you baby!" I heard Mike call as I got into my truck.

"Pfft."

So I had just called Edward my boyfriend.

Hmm.

It could happen.

(Wishful thinking.)

***

"Smarties?" Charlie asked as I walked into the front door.

"I'm a clever girl," I threw one packet at him.

He busied himself in opening the tube, "Mm. I think Alice called. It was their house number, so you know, they left a message. The blues are back!" he rejoiced.

Ignoring his last comment, I looked at the machine and there was a red flashing light. I sat my bag down and pressed the black button.

"_Uh, hi. It's Edward. Um. Edward Cullen. You know, Alice's brother. As in Alice Cullen. Yeah, you saw me tonight when you came over, over for dinner. Or maybe it wasn't tonight, but it was maybe yesterday if you're getting this message tomorrow, which yesterday was tomorrow but today is today. Anyway, I guess I was just phoning to... check if you're going to school tomorrow... or today, but that doesn't matter really because this won't make sense if you've gone today, becau-"_ there was a beep as the recording ended mid- sentence and then the instructions for saving, deleting or returning the call from the lady on the machine.

I decided to save it.

***

After my shower and 'bonding time' with Charlie which consisted of throwing Smarties up into the air and catching them in your mouth, I climbed into bed with my laptop and mobile next to me. I decided to text Alice, due to it getting rather late, and me not wanting to make a huge fool of myself whilst talking to Edward by saying anything to do with syrup.

_Tell Edward I'm going tomorrow ;)_

I was hardly charming when I texted.

Or emailed.

Or wrote.

I was better at speaking to someone's face.

Bar Edward.

So that left me absolutely so leeway to be charming in.

I would have to settle for my quick wits. Which seemed to be slowed around Edward.

So all in all, it seemed like a lose-lose situation for me. I was staying optimistic.

I needed some tips on how to make Edward fall in love with me.

***

A few hours later, I had fallen asleep with my laptop on top of me, playing continuous loop of a French man in a YouTube video telling me how to flirt.

***

I woke up at exactly seven-o-four on Friday morning. I punched my alarm clock off of the bedside table without looking.

"Bonjour!" smiled Charlie as I pulled back the covers. He had curled up the ends of his moustache so he looked incredibly French. This was obviously some crack at him following the French man's voice up to my laptop last night. I tried to distract him.

"We is gay today, oui?" I verified.

"Who you flirting with today, Bella? On Friday the thirteenth?" he smiled coyly.

"Really? The 13th? Anyway, Jesus is on a visit," I smiled, and waved him out of my room.

"Okay. Tell him I said hi. I hear he's a nice guy," Charlie nodded, sarcastically.

***** (sorry about all these stars... I just have a tendency to drag on if I don't add them in. In these stars Bella had a nice big bowl of rice crispies, brushed her teeth, got dressed and is almost at school.)**

My truck backfired when I slowed down to pull into a parking space. Nobody looked around, due to them being so used to it now, except Jasper and Edward who grinned at me.

I stumbled slightly on my way out of the door, which probably wasn't helping the situation at all.

"Bonjourno," I greeted Jasper.

"Hello," he replied, waving.

"Happy Friday, Bella!" squealed Alice, jumping up and down and hugging me.

"Happy Friday the 13th!" I smiled back.

"Sup, Belly?" asked Emmett, fiddling with Rose's hair.

"Sup, Emmy?" I did a peace out sign with my fingers.

"Hey," grinned Rose, and she held her arms out for a hug. I hugged her, and when she was in the middle of the hug she whispered in my ear, "Act natural around Edward. You know you like him."

I pulled back, shocked.

How did she know that already?

I knew I liked him. She was a bright girl.

"I have Psychology first," Rosalie hinted. Of course. She was excellent at working out the connections between people, body language, how people would react and so on and so forth.

"Bonjour, Bella," Edward said quietly, smiling still.

I felt my cheeks get hotter, so I just stared at him.

Rose's eyes widened and I thought back to how I acted around him. How to act natural. How? How? I didn't do that. I was almost hospitalised due to the effort and energy it took to reply coherently last time.

Seconds were ticking away, and everyone frowned at me.

Quick, Bella! Say something witty!

How do I say something witty about saying hello?

I don't. That's what.

Say something funny, then. A joke? A joke to say hello? No.

One of Edward's eyebrows pulled down, but the other one stayed up.

Say something funny NOW! It's been like seven hours!

Rosalie began to shake her head. Oh no.

Forget funny. Just say something.

Anything.

Oh god.

Jasper cleared his throat.

Aha.

Suddenly, inspiration hit me like a flash of lightning hits sheep.

"Hi," I giggled.

It was very original.

Edward's face crept from a frown into a small smile.

"Or hola. I speak some Spanish too," I sighed.

"Bella es muy bonita."

I giggled. He said I was very pretty.

My giggling wouldn't stop.

"Bella!" cried a sinusy voice from behind me. I turned around to see Mike Newton sauntering toward me, a sly smile on his voice.

My giggling stopped.

"Ah. Newton," I attempted to disguise my disgust.

"Hello. I'm Edward Cullen, and this is Jasper Hale," Edward interrupted, holding out his hand. Mike eyed his hand suspiciously.

"The boyfriend?" Mike asked narrowing his eyes. Shit.

"Pfft. Sure," laughed Edward, shaking his head at me is disbelief.

"No, hang on. I didn't say that you were," I lied.

"Yes you did," gasped Mike. "Bella. I am in love with you and you lied to me?"

I resisted the urge to kick him in the balls.

"Pffft," I replied, clicking my knuckles.

"What exactly does 'pffft' mean?" Mike asked.

"Jesus. I means 'hell to the no' in French," I nodded.

"Hell to the no, sure?" Mike asked, "What does that mean?"

"Oh my God! Newton! There's something in your hair!" I wanted to put Mike off so that Edward would not get put into an awkward situation again.

"Oh my God, Bella! Get it out!" he squealed, closing his eyes, running around blindly and frantically hitting his head. Rosalie nudged Alice, Alice nudged Jasper, Jasper nudged Emmett, and Edward and I followed them into the school building.

We were just pushing the main door open when I heard Mr. Newton shout to us.

"What is it? What was it?" I turned to face him.

"It was a miniature turkey, Newton," I smiled.

"He's not your boyfriend," Mike pointed toward Edward who wasn't listening, and was currently talking to a secretary who was licking her lips.

I looked back at Mike. He was right. Of course. The idiot had to use his toenail clipping sized brain today of all days to work this out.

Mike brushed past me on his way into first period.

Edward wasn't my boyfriend.

Not yet, anyway.

*******************

**If you say the last bit in a deep voice it sounds like it belongs in a scary story.**

**So it's my birthday today! Yaaay! :)**

**I think that's all for now kiddies..**

**Hasta luego, baby. **

**Buttcracksanta x**


	5. Bite me, Beep

**OH MY FRIDGE! NEW MOON IS WONDERFUL! If anyone else wants to discuss it with me, please PM me or send me owl mail and I will type back/morse code you (Devil'sMaster- you get a big air hug for being so lovely). SO SERIOUSLY, IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET, **_**FLY TO YOUR NEAREST CINEMA BOOSHY! FLYYYYYYYYYY!**_

**Eek.**

**I'm dreadfully sorry it took me so long to update.**

**You see, there was this bus, and two German foreign exchange students and a small purple elephant. **

**Or not.**

**But ahh. Life does get in the way, and general not being botheredness gets in the way as well.**

**But all your lovely reviews got me off my fat bum and brought my fingers out of my nose (cough) to type again.**

**Also, could someone please tell me the difference between Hits and Visitors, because I personally don't understand them. Muchas gracias.**

**In this chappy-doo Bella's going to... pee hee hee. Read yourself.**

**Here's the next chapter.**

**PLEASE NOTE: I don't pick my nose. Honest. **

**Well....**

**Chapter 5- Bite Me, Bitch**

**BPOV**

"_He's not your boyfriend," Mike pointed toward Edward who wasn't listening, and was currently talking to a secretary who was licking her lips._

_I looked back at Mike. He was right. Of course. The idiot had to use his toenail clipping sized brain today of all days to work this out._

_Mike brushed past me on his way into first period._

_Edward wasn't my boyfriend._

_Not yet, anyway._

* * *

I discovered, in my Biology lesson, that Edward had the same Biology, English and Spanish classes as me, at the same time, on the same days. Yay!

How about no?

I also discovered, in my Biology lesson, that Edward was certainly a ladies' man.

I also discovered that Mr Banner was a slightly blind, pedantic bastard, which caused a couple of problems.

"Nahoo, Bella." Mr Banner 'corrected' me, "You are wrong. Again. Edwin's hair is blonde."

Actually, Mr Banner was wrong. There was no Edwin in my class. And Edwin had no blonde hair.

"Sir, my name is Edward," Edward corrected. Half of the class's population giggled and whispered to their partners.

"I think he's the prince of Madagascar!" **(Lol. There was this Welsh boy from my old school who claimed to be the prince of Madagascar. I've never laughed so hard in my life. XD)**

"He's married and has three kids, I heard."

"He's fit."

"He's as hot as Mike!"

"Edward is a gorgeous name."

"I'm asking him out."

"Edward actually looked at me! Ahh! Like, oh my God!"

"You should like, totally go talk to him."

"I'm freaking turned on by him."

The last one was a straight guy.

So it was obvious that Edward had the power to make straight guys turn gay with the bat of an eyelash or two. I was pleased that Mr Banner hadn't found his glasses which were stapled to the ceiling, or he would have fallen victim to Edward's... existence in general.

"So wrapped up Bella, you are wrong, wrong wrong. Again. Repeat after me," Mr Banner began.

I tried to draw on my hand with a pencil.

"I," said Mr Banner who was randomly holding a spray painted golden onion.

"I," I blinked.

"Am."

"Am."

"Wrong."

"Okay," I dismissed him when the bell did its' thing.

"Nahoo, Bella. Wrong," Mr Banner waved the onion at me.

"Wrong." I nodded.

"Now. Be gone foul beasts," Mr Banner turned his attention to the onion again. He smiled adoringly at it, and held it close to his face. I think he may have licked it.

I dumped my books into my bag unceremoniously and ignored Edward as he stalked out behind me, making girls giggle as he passed. His perfectness was beginning to get up my bum.

"Wait, Bella!" he shouted as I made sure the door swung shut in his face. I didn't want to turn around, "What's your next lesson?"

I sighed. I didn't particularly want to talk to him either. "French with Rose. What about you?" I walked a little faster.

"Uhh, Geography." He quickened his pace to match mine. I turned sharply left towards the classroom, hoping to lose him.

"Mmhm?"

"Cool. Mrs Cope told me the languages block is the same as the Geography one," he appeared to be oblivious to the fact that I was humming loudly to Jingle Bells.

"Oh my God! Maybe we can be Geography and Language walking buddies!" I suggested sarcastically.

"Sure. I mean, if you want to then that would be great," Edward smiled as he readjusted his bag on his shoulder, still keeping up with me.

"I was actually-" I tripped up over a cone that was in the middle of the corridor with the words 'caution' printed on it. What was that? Caution- don't trip over this cone?

"Woah!" Edward smiled wonkily as I landed on my bum in a wet patch. So it was 'Caution- Wet Floor'.

"Let's all laugh at Bella, then!" I narrowed my eyes, and a couple of teachers and students walking past sniggered at me. "I don't know what you're laughing at, Eric! Have you got a note for those shorts?" I pointed at Eric's ankle swingers.

"Here," Edward reached down and held out a hand for me. I ignored it, and scrambled to my feet myself.

My bottom was extremely wet when I stood up, and I wiped my hands which were wet on it also. It wasn't going to make much difference anyway. I walked on and Edward followed.

"Hey, you never replied to my answering machine message," Edward tried to speak to me.

"I actually text Alice, seeing as I don't have your number..." I trailed off angrily.

Edward blinked at me for a couple of seconds, before scrambling a bit.

He produced a receipt that previously was scrunched up in his front pocket, and a green Parker pen from the inside of his jacket. He scribbled down a series of numbers in black ink and handed it to me. I took it and whilst checking how many digits there were in the number (in case it was fake), I absentmindedly asked, "Uh, can I see your pen, please?"

"I guess..." Edward asked. He handed me the Parker pen and I twirled it around in my hands.

"I detest biros." I stated. Edward 'mmm'ed.

"I like a man with a good pen," I said.

I froze.

I didn't want him to think I meant... I wasn't that shallow. I frantically looked up at his face, noting that his pen matched his eyes.

"No. I didn't mean... uh- no, no, no. I meant pen. Actual pen. I like pens. As in writing pens. Like I don't like biros. You understand I don't actually mean the other thing, right?" I bit my lip.

"Can I have my pen back now?" Edward raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah, sure." I sighed, handing it back.

Edward began chuckling. "Anyway, Bella. I was going to ask if you wanted to maybe go out or something. This is completely spontaneous."

His face appeared completely innocent. No trace of lying there.

"Go out?"

"Yeah."

"You mean, with you?"

"Only if you wanted to, of course," Edward backtracked.

"Like, go _out_?"

"I mean, go somewhere."

"I think that would be...." I searched for the right word. _Wonderful, amazing, fabulous, lovely...._

"Inappropriate? I know Alice is your best friend and all that so it would be wrong in that opinion, but it's up to you."

"Nice," I finished, rather lamely.

"I knew you would say that," Edward punched his fist in the air. I narrowed my eyes again. He was being slightly annoying today.

"Hey!" a voice behind me screeched.

I threw an apologetic look at Edward. As much as I was mad at him, nobody deserved to have to speak to Mister Newton.

"Bellaaa-h baby! Can I sit next to you in French?" Mike screeched again. His smile faded when he saw Edward.

"I'm sitting next to Rosalie, Michael." I didn't look at him, instead admired Edward's number on the receipt. It was for a bottle of Diet Coke.

"Well maybe Rosalie could move," my head snapped up. Mike was holding a bouquet of roses, and ignoring the looks of death Edward gave him.

I rashly grabbed Edward's hand, ignoring the thrill that shot up my arm when I did so, "I'm with Edward now, Mike. Go snog Jessica. Go snog Lauren. Go snog Tyler. Maybe you swing that way, I don't know."

"What are you holding my hand for Bella?" Edward whispered in my ear. I shivered.

Whispering back, "Bite me, bitch." I dug my nails into Edward's hand for emphasis, but he didn't budge.

"I love you Bella. I know you love me too," Mike thrust the roses into my chest, and walked off. I let go of Edward's hand silently and walked towards the next lesson.

***

I sat down in my seat next to Rosalie, who was chewing a pen. Mr Fishman had begun the lesson and was intent on ignoring me.

"Hey," I whispered to Rosalie.

"You know, I normally wait until _after_ school to have a make-out session with my boyfriend," she didn't look away from Mr Fishman, who did in fact look like a fish.

"Edward's not technically my boyfriend," I corrected her, getting out my books and pencilcase.

"But you like him."

"I don't like it when you over-analyse every little thing about a person."

"But you like him."

"He keeps Mike away."

"And you feel bad about that."

"SWAN! HALE! QUIET!" Mr Fishman rudely interrupted.

"Why wouldn't I feel bad about that?" I whispered.

"I never doubted it."

"But he's really nice."

"MIKE?" Rosalie whisper-shouted.

"No! Edward."

"You have to promise me that you'll make me and Emmett Godparents."

"What?"

"For your and Edward's kids."

"Shut up, Rose."

***

Alice suggested I come over straight after school, as we did most Fridays, and have Friday movie night with the boys. I was not as eager this time, due to me not knowing particularly what was going to happen with Edward and Mike.

I thought of Mike as a small insect, perhaps a mosquito, and Edward was my insect repellent. How romantic.

Of course, I was attracted to Edward in a ridiculously huge way. And this scared me.

Because I didn't _do_ boyfriends.

It was simple- 'I love you' consists of eight letters.

'Bullshit' consists of eight letters.

But, of course 'I love you' would be going too far.

I could _always _find faults in people.

Because Edward was annoying.

And everyone at school loved him.

And a know-it-all.

And picky.

And irritating.

And probably only wanted to have sex or something.

And was cocky.

And quite pretty.

And had really nice eyes.

And was funny.

And polite.

And asked me out.

But then, because he asked me out, _people _would find faults in _me._

And nobody would like me at all.

Because, really, who _wouldn't_ want to find the imperfections in the girl who was probably going to be banging the most beautiful man to walk the Earth?

Even _I_ would want to find the imperfections in _her,_ and I'm not even a bitch the _entire _time.

I told Alice and Rosalie all of this that night in the kitchen, whilst the boys sat in the front room, engrossed in _Pretty Woman_.

"I won't find the imperfections in you, honey," Rosalie smiled slightly.

Alice snorted, and began choking on her Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

"Yeah. Me neither," she choked out, lying blatantly.

"When you die from choking, Alice, I will laugh. I will actually chortle. I will be in hysterics, my friend."

"That's an imperfection right there," Alice stopped me, "Sarcasm. You're too sarcastic!"

"Oh, Alice, dear. I wasn't being sarcastic."

***

**Hihihi!**

**Sorry it's so late, and perhaps not the best chapter ever, but we have made some very important transitions here, and also you got to meet Rosalie a teensy bit more.**

**I have wonderful plans for next chapter.**

**I hope that you all chortle.**

**Ho ho ho. **

**Well I'm going to watch Michael Sheen on Top Gear on BBC iPlayer now (Thanks for reminding me Devil'sMaster :D)**

**Review! Review review review! And I'll send you a preview! (It rhymes! XD)**

**I will make a song... someday...**

***stares meaningfully at sky***

**Yes, someday.**


	6. Apple Tictacs

**This chapter will include an interesting incident that may result in you guys cringing a bit.**

**Maybe you will sing too? **

**Really, please don't. :/**

**Sorry, again that last chapter was so bad...**

*******

**Chapter 6- Apple Tictacs**

**BPOV**

"_I won't find the imperfections in you, honey," Rosalie smiled slightly._

_Alice snorted, and began choking on her Ben and Jerry's ice cream._

"_Yeah. Me neither," she choked out, lying blatantly. _

"_When you die from choking, Alice, I will laugh. I will actually chortle. I will be in hysterics, my friend."_

"_That's an imperfection right there," Alice stopped me, "Sarcasm. You're too sarcastic!"_

"_Oh, Alice, dear. I wasn't being sarcastic."_

_***_

"Right, kids. I'm going home," Richard Gere **(Thank you Wikipedia!)** had just climbed the ladder and 'rescued' Julia Roberts. Emmett was sobbing into Rosalie's shoulder, and she was rubbing his back.

"Well maybe I should leave too," Rose suggested.

"Okay," my legs creaked as I quickly got up from the rocking chair in the corner. I sat back down again.

"What's wrong, Bella?" Alice asked, looking up from Jasper's sleeping face.

"What was the sell-by-date on that tub of Ben and Jerry's?" I asked.** (I think these are legal requirements, but ice cream doesn't a**_**ctually**_** go off... I can't be bothered to change it because I like my line about freezers... coming up XD)**

"Oh my God, Alice. I feel sick too, you complete nelly!" Rosalie scolded.

"It can't have been frost," Alice mused, "It was most likely dust."

I didn't previously believe dust existed in freezers.

Actually, I still didn't.

"Well, I guess I'll drive you home, Rosie," Emmett wiped tears from his face, and stood up.

"I don't want to drive you home, Bella!" Alice whined. Oh. Oh thanks.

"Why, thank you. Sleeping Jasper is much more important than me," I got up again, ignoring the fact I wanted to chuck up in the empty ice cream tub.

"But it's true. I love you so much, Bella, but Jasper is just _so darn cute_!" she poked his arm for emphasis.

"Jeez."

"Besides, you're meant to get at least eight hours of sleep a night," Alice continued.

"It's six- thirty! He's like an old man!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, but a real cute old man," Alice giggled.

"That's disgusting."

"I'll give you a lift, Bella," Edward stood up from the opposite sofa, "I've seen it all before. Jasper will go on to snore in about twenty minutes, then he starts dribbling on whatever is directly underneath him."

Alice shifted to the left slightly.

"Can I pick up my truck tomorrow morning, then?" I asked Emmett.

"Sure," he grabbed a Kleenex mansize and blew his nose. The four of us that were leaving walked to the door. I noticed Emmett hand the whole box of tissues in his hand. I guessed he was a sucker for chick flicks.

Edward grabbed his car keys on the way out, as did Emmett and we crunched through the gravel to the cars. A couple of clicky noises and blip blips later, the two cars were unlocked. After waving to Rose and Emmett, I silently followed Edward to his car.

"Madame?" he held the door open.

"You're so corny," I giggled, and before I stepped into the car, I had a good look at the outside, "That's a Volvo S60R. In silver."

I wasn't one of those slightly scary people who you could point to any random car and they would tell you what make and model it was, in fact, I had just seen the back, where the details were scrawled across in silver lettering.

"You knew?" Edward asked, gobsmacked.

"Uh, yeah. Let's go with that."

"Well, it's my baby. And it's in silver. I didn't fancy black or pink."

I mocked horror, "Pink? Why not? It'd match perfectly with your... eyes?"Smooth.

Edward cleared his throat and reached for the radio switch.

Sixpence None the Richer, Kiss Me, **(Google/YouTube it. It's a freakishly annoying song :D)** filled the enclosed space. It had just started.

I slowly peeked over to Edward. He slowly peeked over at me.

"Do you want to change it?" he asked.

"I want to sing to it!" I yelped in a random outburst of adrenaline.

"I would be clapping my hands together if they weren't holding a steering wheel right now." I detected a hint of sarcasm but chose to ignore it.

"Kiss me out of the bearded barley. Nightly, beside the green, green grass," I sang. Edward looked at me questioningly. "Come on! Don't make me feel completely retarded," I shouted over the next line of the song, "YOU WEAR THE SHOES AND I WILL WEAR THE DRESS, OHHH! Sing with me, Edward!"

"No!" he shouted, shaking his head.

"Ohhhhhh, kiss meeeee! Beneath the milky twilight! Bleh leh leh lehh le le le..." I forgot the words. Edward leaned over and switched the radio off. I frowned at him.

"You pooped on my party!" I accused him.

"It was already in the crapper," he smiled.

"No! My singing skills are, at worst... below average," I laughed.

"Are you taking any drugs?"

"Don't be ridiculous, my dear," I waved him off.

"Dear?" Edward checked.

"Don't think yourself lucky, Edward, Ed, Eddie, Eduardo. I call everyone 'dear'. It's mediocre, I guess," I blabbed.

"You know, after your 'syrupy' incident," I blushed, "I thought there was something slightly more than mediocre about us," he waved his free hand a bit, gesturing to myself and him. I cringed. I didn't want to go here, due to the likeliness of it going AWOL was a lot larger than it was not.

"I like cereal. Do you like cereal?" I 'subtly' changed the topic of conversation.

Yes, it was very subtle.

Just keep telling yourself that.

"Do you have a boyfriend?" Edward asked me, ignoring my last question.

"Mike is a potato."

"Potatoes are not good boyfriend material," Edward pulled up outside my house.

"You get all the girls. Why don't you just pick one, and stop discussing carbohydrates with me?" I snapped. "You also killed my good mood."

"You were delirious!" he neared me, poking my shoulder.

"Being delirious is FUN!" I argued sticking my face closer to his.

"You had verbal diarrhoea!" his face was right up in mine. I could see his eyes softening.

"Well, maybe I like diarrhoea," I breathed.

It wasn't an incredibly well-delivered line, and looking back I rather wish it had been semi-romantic, but for some reason or another, our faces neared, and I could smell his breath on my face.

Uh oh.

I couldn't remember the actual kiss, only our faces pulling away, and the fact that he tasted like apple tictacs.

I cleared my throat and avoided his face, taking interest in my watch.

Edward opened his door, and stepped out. I stayed put.

He walked around to my side, and pulled open my door. I looked at him.

"Are you going to get out?" he looked at his feet, perhaps imitating an ashamed person.

"I will get out if we don't tell anyone about this," I reasoned.

"But I might want to tell someone about this," he winced.

"I might want to migrate to your car forever," I was working out a way to get my sleeping bag out of the house without getting out of the car.

There was a brief silence.

"Was it really that bad?" Edward lifted his head and his eyes bore into me desperately.

I got out of the car, stood on my tiptoes and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

"It was better than being lip-raped by Mike," I shuddered, thinking of last year.

Edward nudged his hand against mine as we walked to the door, and I eventually got the gist that he wanted to hold hands. How girly.

But still, I did not want to upset the newcomer. _It was only for him, and not at all for yourself_, I lied to myself. So I held hands with him.

His hands were cool and soft, whereas mine, in comparison, were lovely and clammy. Edward pretended not to notice.

I held Edward's hand as we walked slowly in the house. Charlie was at work still, and the Cullens and Hales were at their respectable homes. Edward squeezed my hand.

Hello.

I was prepared at the most for a snogging session. Any further than that, and I was resorting to a kick in the balls.

"When Charlie gets home he'll see us if we're in the front room first, so I think it's better that we go upstairs," I left out the fact that I knew Charlie would be rather angry if he knew I had a boy in my room, but still, I didn't want to have Charlie open the front door, and _oh- look. Edward Cullen is sticking his tongue down my daughter's throat. Maybe I'll shoot him, maybe not._

"Do you want to lead the way?" Edward asked civilly.

"Yes, sir."

I let go of his hand and trudged up the stairs, him following behind me.

There was a creaking noise coming from my room. It sounded like my bed. I squinted, wondering if perhaps I had left my window open and a bird had come in... grown to a huge size... and put on a lot of weight... then bounced on my bed.

Perhaps not.

Turning the door handle and letting go of Edward's hand, I opened the door.

It wasn't even funny.

I screamed at what I saw.

* * *

**A/N- ****COATHANGER! **

**CLIFFHANGER!**

**(A little bit of tonsil tennis with Eddie makes Bella forget about the desire to puke. XD)**

**Sorry about that, but I had some funny ideas about sizes for chapters and otherwise I would have had an extremely long chapter number 6 and a long long long wait for chapter 7... those of you who care. :L**

**I am quite worried nobody is reading this (because I am a paranoid turkey) so perrrrleeeeaaaaaaaaseeee.. if you are, just leave a teensy weensy review and I can maybe do some counting of numbers rather than dust particles.**

**Ohhh, and I am going to be super duper fast (maybe) at updating and do at **least** one before Christmas.**

**Wooooop. I feel so Christmassy!**

**REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW... and tell me what you think it is in Bella's room.**

**x**


	7. Crossbow Countdown

**A/N- Sorry you guys. You must have grown a Dumbledore beard by now. I've been creating another Document for this story full of fillers and important parts of the story in the future. This makes me feel in control and in power. *Evil laugh***

**I got mentioned in Chapter 12 of CrystalBrooke's Bad Romance. Happy dance time! :D**

**Devil'sMaster- you are safe. I don't think there is the word 'respective' in this chapter. (She doesn't like it.)**

**Respective, respective, respective, respective, respective, respective, respective.**

**Sorry.**

**Respective, respective, respective, respective, respective.**

**Okay it's over now.**

**Respective.**

**I take that back. Now it's over. You can put your eyes back in your sockets now. :D x**

**Anywho, I am very very very happy with your responses to my coathanger and everyone who guessed right gets 5 gold stars! (I think that was you all...)**

***Devil'sMaster chews something and looks up confusedly***

"**Damn. I wasn't supposed to eat them was I?"**

***I shake my head* "You can't stick them on your fridge now, silly girl!"**

**Enough of my rambling. Let the slightly disturbing mental images begin.**

* * *

**BPOV**

**Chapter 7**** (Already?!?!?)****- Crossbow Countdown**

_There was a creaking noise coming from my room. It sounded like my bed. I squinted, wondering if perhaps I had left my window open and a bird had come in... grown to a huge size... and put on a lot of weight... then bounced on my bed._

_Perhaps not._

_Turning the door handle and letting go of Edward's hand, I opened the door._

_It wasn't even funny._

_I screamed at what I saw._

***

"AAAAAAAAGHHHH!" screamed Mike who was jumping up and down on my bed in only his boxer shorts. He covered the front of his boxers with his hands.

"JESUS CHRIST!" I screeched, waving my hands around. How did he even get in?!

"Bella! Edward!" Mike screamed as if he were about four years old and also a small girl. He stopped bouncing.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?" I shouted.

"Oh dear god..." Edward pinched the bridge of his nose.

I spotted a pile of clothes on the floor and presumed they were Mike's. I ran over to them and threw them at him. "Baby, no!"

"HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN?!?!?!" my voice probably burst his ear drum.

"Your window..."

"That's breaking and entering! I can prosecute you for that!"

"Noooooooohh!" Newton flapped his arms and attempted to pull his trousers back on.

"That's right, YOU FLY AWAY, BITCH!" I spotted a bag that certainly wasn't mine, and sifted through it.

"No, Bella! Not in there!" Mike stood up off my bed and frantically jumped over to me. He tripped, of course (his trousers were around his ankles) and tried to pull the bag away from me.

I rummaged through the bag and spotted something I recognised.

"THIS IS MY BRA!" I held it up and hit him round the face with it.

"Please let me have it, Bella!" Mike pleaded, ignoring me shrieking.

I gasped. "NO!"

Edward smiled from the door, so I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Let go!" Mike screamed, clawing at my bra. I let go and it hit him in the eyes.

I breathed slowly in and out.

"I want you out of my house in thirty seconds. Off of my premises, even. Any more than thirty seconds and I get my crossbow out," I smiled sweetly.

Mike whimpered, then his face calmed. "You don't have a crossbow."

I shook my head and opened my wardrobe door. Out of it I pulled a wooden crossbow with suction cups on the end of the arrows.

"That won't hurt me," Mike stated in a pleading tone.

I pulled back the string over the lever and fired it at the wall. The plaster cracked.

"Oh really?" I cocked an eyebrow.

This was great. I felt evil and in control and sexy and right now I wanted to do an evil laugh.

"Um?"

"GO! GO! GO!" I shouted.

Edward shook his head.

"Yeah. I'm off." He smiled sadly.

"No, don't go yet," I pleaded, while Mike scrambled around behind me.

"Can I keep the bra?" he asked. I didn't turn around.

"No."

"Okay, just a few more minutes." I smiled. Mike seemed shy around Edward.

"Mike, twenty seconds," I turned around and he had pulled his trousers up, and was now pulling a t-shirt over his head.

"I'm going, I'm going," he murmured.

"Remember that I have a crossbow in my hands," Mike sped up considerably.

"I might just wait downstairs..." Edward pointed his thumb behind his shoulder.

"That may be best for everyone." I smiled.

Mike was scrabbling around on the floor. I was tempted to pull out my phone and film it, then post it on YouTube, but I didn't want to come off as _too_ mean.

"TEN seconds Mike." Mike ran past me out of my door and fell down the stairs with a loud noise that reminded me of hedgehogs being run over by lorries on the motorway.

"Oof!" he grunted.

I let out a small giggle, then covered my mouth. Oh, I was so cruel.

Edward opened the door for him and he legged it out.

"Five..." I shouted to him as he ran out of the house, "You're not off my property, yet!" He ran down the drive and struggled with the latch on the gate, "Two, one!" I fired the crossbow just as Mike jumped over the gate and fell onto the grass on the other side.

The arrow missed Mike of course. It actually hit Edward in the crotch.

"It's fine." Edward's voice shot up an octave and he bent over **(haha.. I'm so immature XD ... sorry :L)**, clutching his stomach.

My eyes widened. "Shit, sorry! Do you want some peas? We have peas. We also have sweetcorn, if you'd like sweetcorn." I ran to the kitchen and opened the freezer, "And some ice-cream. Oh no, that's not ice-cream, that's gravy." I ran back to the front door with frozen peas and an ice-cream tub full of frozen gravy, but Edward was nowhere to be seen. Aghast, Ieant out of the door. He couldn't have gotten far.

Lo and behold, limping across my driveway, was Edward.

"Wait!" I ran up to him. He looked up with a glint of fear in his eyes.

"Yes?" he squeaked.

"Um... would you like some gravy?" I held out the tub to his face.

"No, no thank you," he continued down the steps.

I followed him to his car, "Are you sure you can drive in your condition?" I wasn't sure how much that must've hurt, but I was going to put it at about the same level as swallowing a bomb.

"I'm fine." He didn't look up, and pulled the driver's door open.

"I'll call you tomorrow, then." I bit my lip.

"Uh, it's okay. Don't. Someone's arriving, and Jasper's moving over to his aunt and uncle's and Rose's and stuff."

"Oh. I guess not then." I winced internally. Ouch.

"See you later," Edward drove away.

I stepped onto the road and waved feebly at Edward's car with a packet of frozen peas and a tub of frozen gravy in my hands, "Bye then."

***

On Saturday morning, I re-plastered my bedroom wall, and Charlie got me a couple of things from the costume shop.

On Saturday afternoon, I didn't go out.

Actually, I didn't show my face to anyone outside of Charlie and my mirror for the whole weekend.

It was a lovely anti-social weekend.

On Monday morning I drove to school wearing a sombrero. It was one of the items from the costume shop, and I had decided to give it to Edward to apologise for Friday's incident.

As I stepped out of the car and walked over to where Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper were standing, I received a few confused stares.

"Bells?" Emmett questioned.

"This is about the crossbow incident, isn't it?" Jasper asked.

"I'm astounded that you worked that out from a sombrero." I nodded, approvingly.

"Why the sombrero?" Rosalie butted in.

"It was on offer." I shrugged, "What can I say? Charlie's cheap."

Just then, Edward pulled up in his Volvo.

As soon as it halted (well, actually, a little before) Alice jumped out of the back seat door.

She seemed a little angry.

"Hey, grumpy. What's up with your face?" I smiled.

"Why are you wearing a giant ashtray on your head?" she asked, still upset.

Edward opened his car door and walked round to the other side, most likely to get his bag. I watched him intently as he opened the door. Out popped possibly the most gorgeous girl on the planet. She had long strawberry-blonde hair that curled in all the right places, long black eyelashes that framed clear blue eyes.

"Wh-who's that?" I whispered, my eyes beginning to sting as Edward put his arm around her shoulder, smiling. The girl smiled too, and ruffled Edward's hair playfully.

"That," Alice began, "is Tanya Denali."

Yeah, that wasn't his bag.

* * *

**A/N- another coathanger. Day-um, your coats must be crinkle free. This is the second one in a row.**

**Some.. kind of drama starts here. :D/ :O**

**Sorry it's short this time... I left it really late. At this precise moment there is one hour and 51 minutes to Christmas. As a sorry present, if you review, then I will send you a little filler type thing that involves Mike and Bella and pestering and so on. It didn't fit anywhere in here, seeing as Mike was involved a lot in this chapter.**

**So leave a review, and log in/tell me your penname and I'll send you in a PM the little thingy which I hope you will like.**

**MERRY CHRISTMASSS! (I know in the US you say happy holidays so HAPPY HOLIDAYSSS!)**

**I hope the obese guy in the red suit treats you well.**

**:D x**


	8. Apologies, Eek

Eek.

Sorry this isn't a chapter guys.

Well, I was having a really busy time the past few months with homework and friends and parents and a pretty little thing called divorce (bleh), but I actually got round to writing a WHOOOOLE chapter on Thursday last week in some spare time of mine, and I even wrote more of the next chapter, and it was very nearly done, until TRAGEDY STRUCK.

DUN DUN DUUUUUN.

I was on MSN and my annoying older brother started typing random numbers on the number bit of my laptop, and then pressing buttons(and hey, I found that when I press control twice I get a Google search bar come up :D), and suddenly EVERYTHING SHUT DOWN.

After some kicking of his leg, I rebooted my laptop, and EVERYTHING WAS GOOOOOOOOOOOOONE.

And I was logged onto a temporary profile.

:/

And I had no idea how to get my files back.

MY ENTIRE CHAPTER AND A BIT. MY FILLERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I'm most upset about iTunes, though.

I'm serious. I cried hysterically for about four hours.

My face really stung after that.

So, yeah. Sorry about that. Blame my brother.

Or maybies I got a virus.

Which annoys me, because I have an Anti-Virus... which I haven't run in a while....

I think I got my answer there peeps.

Ok, REEEEEALLY SORRY, but I could be a while.

I love you lots and lots and lots,

Buttcracksanta x

(P.S- I ONLY GOT 9 REVIEWS LAST CHAPTER!!!! 9!!! I GOT OVER 105 HITS FOR ONLY THAT CHAPTER, BUT ONLY 9 REVIEWSS?? *slaps knee* DANG, GUYS)

(P.P.S- Sorry, I got a bit excited over the caps lock there.)


	9. Lost Seagull

**BOO YAH!**

**I'm back.**

**And so, so amazing.**

**You may want to read back through some of the chapters just to make sure everything makes sense for you.**

**I actually had to myself.**

**Christ (excuse my blasphemy). It's been HALF A YEAR since I updated.**

**Jesus.**

**Excuse me again.**

**Chapter Eight- Lost Seagull**

**BPOV**

_Edward opened his car door and walked round to the other side, most likely to get his bag. I watched him intently as he opened the door. Out popped possibly the most gorgeous girl on the planet. She had long strawberry-blonde hair that curled in all the right places, long black eyelashes that framed clear blue eyes._

"_Wh-who's that?" I whispered, my eyes beginning to sting as Edward put his arm around her shoulder, smiling. The girl smiled too, and ruffled Edward's hair playfully._

"_That," Alice began, "is Tanya Denali."_

_Yeah, that wasn't his bag._

I wasn't introduced to Tanya in the parking lot that morning. In fact, Edward lead her swiftly up to the office where the secretary who attempted to flirt with Edward. Alice was glaring at the sombrero on my head.

"Take that off, Bella. People are looking." I didn't say anything, but took it off and handed it to Emmett who wooped and did a victory lap round the car park. People stopped looking. This was normal for Emmett.

"She doesn't belong here. She's a bimbo look-a-like," I whimpered.

"She _IS_ a bimbo."Alice butted in.

"She's like the seagull that flies around in the middle of the land. Does. Not. Belong. There." I growled.

"Guys, we need to go in," Jasper looked nervously at me and Alice, grabbing Alice's hand. She immediately smiled and relaxed, following him inside.

Emmett skipped in to the office.

Rosalie popped the boot on her car and pulled out her bag, walking in.

I decided to follow them all. I looked a bit like a larry standing out in the parking lot on my own.

As I walked in, I cursed at a seagull flying overhead.

Its response was to take a shit mid-air.

It landed on my car.

Does.

Not.

Belong.

Here.

Someone up there hated me.

Tanya was in all but three of my classes.

I walked to Physics with Alice, Tanya scuttling closely behind.

"He told me what happened on Friday, Bella. Why didn't you?" Alice whispered through gritted teeth.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "I was embarrassed okay? I kissed the new kid and straight afterwards I shot him in the balls!"

Tanya gave me a questioning look from behind.

"You kissed him?" Alice asked. I nodded. "He only told me that you shot him in the dangly bits."

I let out a sigh that sounded a little like a creak, and went a bit like "Eunghhh."

"What's Mr Harrington like then?" Tanya popped up inbetween us cheerily.

"Mr Harrington is a physics teacher. He has a lisp." Alice answered glumly.

"Ooh, what kind of lisp? Does it make him say "Lithp?", or "Yisp?" or "Mr Hawwington?"" she asked excitedly.

"Mr Hawwington." I answered her.

Even though I really hated her, I kind of liked her a little bit.

"That must have been hard as a kid," she sighed.

"I think you owe it to him to be nice, to make up for the bullying as a child," I smiled as we walked into the classroom.

I also owed it to Tanya to be nice (to her). I didn't know if she had been bullied as a child, like Mr Harrington, but after all, we did just have a brief conversation about lisps. Anyone who discusses different kinds of lisps can't be that bad.

I ended up being a little more wrong than previously imagined.

At lunch, Tanya stroked Edward's arm for approximately seven minutes and thirty four seconds, right in front of me, while Edward clucked his tongue in an obnoxious fashion.

Well, it _came across _as obnoxious.

Tanya squeezed Edward's bum, then winked, which I almost bit her for.

She ignored him trying to push her off of his arm.

And when Mike Newton neared me, Edward didn't try to help me. He just walked off whilst trying to pull Tanya off of his arm.

Mister Newton approached me with a pad of paper and a pen in his hands.

"Hey Bellsy!" he smiled, jiggling his eyebrows. I hoped that wasn't going to be an 'affectionate' nickname.

"Uh..." I wished he would go away.

"Okay, what colour scheme do you like best for a wedding?" he handed me two plastic wallets which had different coloured card that you get free from DIY shops. One was purple and green and one was white and orange. Hideous.

I hoped he wasn't planning our wedding. "Mike, they're both lovely." I peered over his head, looking for someone, anyone to distract him, and handed back the wallets.

"Pick one," Mike smiled forcedly and thrust them back into my hands. Wow. He seemed intent on getting me to pick one.

"No, no, really. They're both fine." I nodded, and stepped back from him, pushing the wallets into his chest.

Mike's eyes widened, "Pick. One. Bella." He stepped forward and pushed the wallets onto my arm.

"Um," I smiled, "Maybe this one?" I patted the orange and white one.

He took them both from me, "Excellent." And walked off.

Well, at least he hadn't said I love you this time.

"I love you, Bella!"

Spoke too soon.

Dang.

"Sometimes I feel so sorry for you Bella, but sometimes I laugh so much that my nose hurts," Emmett patted me on the back, and I turned around, hugging him.

"Why me, Emmett? Why not Rose? Or Alice?" I sniffed, burying my head into his chest. It reminded me of being younger and crying into Charlie's chest. Emmett also used the same aftershave as Charlie, so it was easier to remember, what with the whole associating smells with memories thing.

"Because if it were Rose, I would punch Mike's lights out, and if it were Alice, Jasper would do the same."

"What about for me?"

"Edward is too nice to-"

"Hey! Since when did you begin assuming that Edward and I were... of togetherness?" I asked, slightly smug that Tanya was not counted in yet.

"Ich. A while back." Emmett did not seem interested anymore.

"Anyway, Edward is too nice to...?" I prompted.

"Ah, yes, before you rudely interrupted, I was saying that Edward is too nice to punch Mike. He is a gentleman."

"Aww."

"But still, he's working as a pretty damn good Mike repellent, don't you think?" Emmett laughed.

"Yeah, do you think he knows how good he is at it?" I began laughing too.

"I'm not sure. You do still like him because of other stuff as well, right?" he checked, slowing down on the laughter.

"Sure," I waved him off, still giggling a bit. I checked the time, "We need to get back. I have a free period but need to speak to Alice first, and you... you probably have something you should be getting on with." I began walking away.

"Oh shit! Earl!" Emmett ran away in the other direction, laughing to himself.

Normal, perfectly normal.

I spotted Alice through a window talking to Jasper in an empty classroom. I peeked in for a moment.

Slow motion laughter.

Ahh.

He touched her spiky black fringe, which was in her eyes, and pushed it away, attempting to create a romantic environment for them both. And I had to hand it to him, it was a beautiful moment.

Except for the random girl pressed up to the window, leaving a foggy, wet mark on the glass where she had sighed.

Jasper leaned in, and so did Alice, closing her eyes.

I looked away, and walked down the corridor to find another empty classroom.

Settling down, I took out a copy of Mark Haddon's _The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time _**(AN- awesome book btw)**, and took off my jumper.

I must have been there for about twenty minutes when the rain started.

Not like, a surprise or anything.

"Welcome to Forks." I smiled at the sopping wet Edward who invaded my quiet classroom.

Actually never mind.

He was _sopping wet._

Rrrrrmmmmmmmmm.

Focus.

"I have lived in Forks before, you know Bella?" he sat down a few chair away from me, fiddling with his hair.

"I don't really have that many memories of you being here before. It's a tiny bit odd," I smiled.

"I left about six years ago now? I went to a boarding school in Seattle."

"It's weird. I never saw you in the summer or at Christmas." I wondered out loud. Edward stopped fiddling with his hair, and shifted uncomfortably. "Sorry. If this is bad stuff, then we don't have to..."

Edward gulped and I felt guilty for pushing him to talk, or putting him in an awkward situation.

I handed him another book from my bag, _A Spot of Bother_, another one by Mark Haddon. He blinked at me.

"Have a read?" I said to him, almost as a question, my eye squinting and my voice getting higher at the end.

"Thanks."

We sat in a very comfortable silence until the end of school. I would have guessed that people were beginning to leave school, because I heard a lot of noise outside, and cars starting up to drive home.

"Uh, we might need to-" I began to get up, but Edward leaned over and tapped my arm, gesturing for me to sit down again.

"Thanks for the book." He handed it back.

Was that it?

"No problemo."

"Um, right. It's okay. You never really saw me in the holidays because of Dad. Well, no. My bad, anyway. I argued a lot with Carlisle, and it was my fault. I stayed mostly at my grandmother's house for the holidays that I absolutely had to be out of school for."

I decided to stay quiet.

He continued, "Tanya is here because she didn't want to stay in Seattle."

"She went to boarding school with you?" I frowned. This was rather unfair.

"Yeah. So, she's staying here with her cousin, Jessica Stolly? Stanford?"

"Stanley?"

"That's the one. So, yep. Me and Tanya were together."

Excusez moi?

"_Together, _together?" I was about to cry.

Edward nodded. "And it was all going along great-"

"Great? Really? _Really? _Are you sure? With _Tanya?_" I gasped. I could feel tears coming.

I was shot a death glare.

"Well if you're just going to be bitter about it then I won't be able to tell you." Edward gloated.

"Don't flatter yourself. You really think I care that much about it?"

Yes.

"Well, I don't know. Do you?"

"A little bit, yeah." I sighed.

"I'm sorry. It was just a bad thing. And I'm not even sure I should tell you. It was just that me and Tanya had an accident." Edward winced.

"Oh, Jesus. Like a car crash? Shit. Did someone die?" I began to panic. How insensitive was I being?

"No, no, no. Nothing like that. Nobody died. Well, actually, no, I don't really like to think of... Nope, not really, no. That doesn't count," he rambled.

"What happened?" I blinked back my tears, scared to what I would hear.

"I... I don't think it's up to me to tell you. I've already told you so much, and it's not fair to Tanya, really."

"Ugh, fine."

Edward walked out of the classroom and probably out of school into the rain again. I followed after packing away everything. The parking lot was completely deserted.

Yep, Edward was walking towards his car in the rain.

I sighed.

He seemed to hear my sigh, because he turned around to face me.

"I got Tanya pregnant." Edward shouted to me.

"What?" I screamed back.

"I got her pregnant. She had an abortion." Edward climbed into his car as I stood motionless on the pavement.

He drove away and I watched.

The rain continued its descent, and disguised the tears pouring down my face as rainwater. I stood for God knows how long, shivering slightly as the cold wind blew my hair in all directions.

It was awfully poetic, but still dreadfully cold.

**A/N- :'(**

**Hahahahaa.**

**Funny story about the whole 'push-fringe-out-of-eyes-before-snogging' romantic gesture. I was on the school field with friends la de da, and it was ridiculously windy that day. This boy in my class went up to my friend rather nervously, and attempted to do the push-fringe-out-of-eyes-before-snogging thing. It was so windy that he just ended up poking her in the forehead. She was not pleased. I almost peed myself laughing.**

**I just thought I'd say I GOT MY ITUNES BACK!(after about 6-7 hours worth of clicking), and some of my documents. **

**Oh, and **edward cullen's wify**, you actually made me lol, for real. :)**

**Until next time,**

**Buttcracksanta.**


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